The Secret Of Cultivating Happiness
Happiness is generally an overused term, found in such varying expressions from an elated “I’m so happy for you!” to a snarky “I hope you’re happy.” While some coaches advocate for the use of more concrete terms like contentment or joy, I like happiness simply because it seems so vague and elusive. There’s evidence that suggests individuals may experience more or less happiness based on an inherited set-point, but there’s also evidence that happiness is influenced by factors within our control and can in fact be cultivated. In this article, I’ll outline the most beneficial practices and mindsets that I’ve implemented in my life over the years to increase my own sense of happiness and well-being.
Presence
If you’re anything like me, the advice “be present” may evoke unpleasant memories of hours spent in frustration as you tried in vain to learn how to meditate. But in this case, I’m talking less about mindfulness and more about the importance of bringing your happiness timeline into the present. I once heard a psychiatrist say that the biggest theme he hears from patients is that they will accomplish all of their dreams “tomorrow,” with the punchline being that tomorrow keeps moving farther and farther into the future with each passing day.
I was recently daydreaming about the future and enjoying the exciting ideas about all the places I’ll explore once I’m able to travel more, and so on and so on, when it occurred to me that I was daydreaming about this very day last year. I’ve moved to a new city for the first time in my life and have the opportunity to explore places I’ve never been before, and it would be a shame to keep moving the goalpost farther into the future when I’m not enjoying my current opportunity to the fullest. With this inspiration in mind, I pulled up the map on my phone, drove to a green space, and found a park filled with miles of trails. I now make it a point to treat each day like it’s last year’s dream because, for many of us, it is.
Practice
Another key revelation for me (partly fueled by my strength-training journey over the past year) is to treat happiness like a muscle - it takes time and intention to build, and the activities you choose to do can either help or hurt your cause. Too often we tend to view happiness as a result of external factors that may or may not be within our control, rather than a pursuit in and of itself. If you want to run a marathon, you may not have much success if you just wait around for the ideal conditions (beautiful weather, sleek gear, and a prestigious race) instead of lacing up your shoes and starting a training program.
“Happiness is a choice that you make and a skill that you develop. You choose to be happy, and then you work at it. It’s just like building muscles.”
The main change I introduced in my life to cultivate happiness as a skill was to completely overhaul my long-held practice of journaling. Whereas my journal had previously included exercises like “the letter you’ll never send” and “worry dumps” where I would vomit my anger and anxieties onto the page, I decided my brain was already good enough at ruminating and that I wanted my journaling to help build new strengths and perspectives. I now strive to write about events in my life from a positive and empowered perspective. What’s going well? If I’m feeling anxious about an upcoming decision, what’s exciting about these different opportunities? How am I proud of the ways that I’m handling a current challenge? The subject matter (my life) is the same, but my reframed reflections provide a counter balance to any automatic negative thoughts.
Enough
Lastly, it’s difficult to truly find happiness without a strong sense of “enough,” and enough means different things to different people. It may be having enough money, having enough social status, feeling that you’re doing enough at work or for your family, or even being enough. Enough can also mean saying “enough” to adding more items to your plate, i.e. knowing how to say no. Once you have the internal assurance that you are where you need to be and don’t need to do anything more in order to earn approval or be worthy, you’ll be well on your way to a happy and fulfilling life. If you haven’t heard the story of the fisherman and the businessman, it’s worth a quick read here.
The most effective way I’ve found to manifest the concept of enough is to practice gratitude. Your way of expressing gratitude might be writing thank you notes for things that otherwise might go unnoticed, or giving to charity, or prayer. I enjoy a practice of writing down three things I’m grateful for each night. If you find that your dissatisfaction tends to focus more on yourself than on your surroundings, you can modify your nightly journaling to “three amazing things I did today.” While it may seem trite, offering a moment of acknowledgement for your effort or skill can do wonders in fighting perfectionism, one of the sworn enemies of enough.
With that, I’ll say “enough” for this article that I’m publishing several weeks after my intended deadline due to a recent bout of my own perfectionism. :) What ways do you cultivate happiness in your own life? Are there other activities or areas of focus I didn’t include here that have been helpful for you? Please comment below and let me know, and join our community if you’d like to receive more articles like this through our email list.