How To Stop Sabotaging Your Dreams

Our brains are wired to jump to negative conclusions. It’s a skill we’ve evolved over millennia, a short-cut in our thinking that’s intended to keep us safe and preserve our mental capacity for more complex problem-solving. If I see a saber-toothed tiger to my right, I have an unconscious negative thought: I might die if I go to the right, so I’m going to the left. In modern life with fewer threats of imminent death, however, the problem comes when this automatic process happens without our awareness and keeps us from taking reasonable risks that might significantly improve our quality of life. 

In her book Time to Think, Nancy Kline introduces the concept of an incisive question, which is intended to help you examine assumptions that are keeping you from doing what you really want to do. While this process is usually facilitated by a coach, this article will outline a simplified version as a journaling exercise. If you’re thinking “what if I don’t know what I want to do?” - don’t worry, simply pick a topic you’d like to think about and see what arises for you as you explore. 

Step 1: Brain dump

First, write out what you think about this topic. Relevant dilemmas for readers of this blog might be: Do I want to go part-time? Do I want to quit my job? Do I want to apply for fellowship? Once you know where you’d like to focus, write out everything that comes to mind when you think about this topic or question. When you think you’ve thought of everything, keep writing. Ask yourself “what else?” when you notice a lull. The intention is to give yourself abundant space to consider different aspects of the situation, so write until you’ve exhausted the chatter in your mind. 

Step 2: Identify what you want 

Finally, once there’s nothing left to say, write down the answer to this question: “What do I really want from this situation?” If you’re unsatisfied with your current job, a desire that comes to mind might be “I really want to start my own business and set my own hours” or “I want to find a new job.” Write down whatever the goal may be, no matter how realistic or unrealistic it seems. Don’t stunt yourself by needing to find the perfect goal. If multiple ideas come to mind, start with the one you feel the most energy around and revisit the others later. 

Step 3: Identify what’s stopping you

Now ask yourself, “What am I assuming that is stopping me from achieving this?” and write it down. It might be something like “I can’t run a business as an introvert” or “I won’t find another job with benefits as good as this one.” This is your automatic negative thought that’s trying to maintain the status quo and keep you safe. Many of us are more motivated by preventing a loss than we are by the possibility of gaining something new, and this loss-averse mentality can keep us stuck. We’re all cautious people to some extent - that’s how we survive in medicine. But sometimes this preference for the familiar sabotages our potential.

Step 4: Reverse your assumption

Now it’s time to turn your assumption on its head. It’s possible that your negative assumption is true, but it’s also possible that the opposite assumption is true. The question is - which of these assumptions allows you to pursue the life you want? But the negative outcome is more likely, you might say. That may also be true, but better opportunities will only open up for you if you take the time to consider them. Allow yourself to suspend judgment for a moment and to imagine what if. 

This is where Kline’s incisive question comes in. Take the positive opposite of your assumption and see how it impacts your goal. “If I knew I could run a business as an introvert, what would I do to start my own business?” or “If I knew I could get another job with good benefits, what would I do to find a new job?” Notice the voice in your mind telling you it’s not possible, and thank that voice for trying to keep you safe. Give this voice a name if you’d like - “My Protector” or “My Anxiety Bug” and ask it what else it needs to tell you. Then find a name for another part of you, the part of you that wants to pursue this dream, and ask that voice to speak for a while. Write down this dialogue.

Conclusion

This exercise isn’t intended to convince you to move forward one particular way or another - it’s designed to give you the space to hear all of your thoughts about this situation so that you can make an informed decision rather than an automatic one. By critically examining our assumptions, we can be more intentional about the opportunities we choose to pursue or not pursue as we build the life we want. 

What were your takeaways from this process? Please leave a comment to let me know, and click below to join my email list for more thought-provoking exercises. If you want the transformation that comes with more in-depth work, book a consultation to learn more about our coaching opportunities.